Do people ever really change?

Well lets clear one thing up right now...since I strive to keep it real with all of you ladies out there in cyber world. The title is deceiving - I don't mean "people," I mean men. So, now that we have cleared that up, do they?

I know we have all had the blast from the past, the ex that you just can't get out of your head and off your mind, the one that reappears like an ugly pimple every 3-4 months or at the very least twice a year. Why do we always feel the need to give it one more try? Why is there always some soft part in us that says well just maybe he has gotten his act together? Maybe he has come to his senses and knows that I am the best thing out there for him????

I don't know the answer...but I do know that its a vicious cycle that is hard to break. I am firm believer in change and strive daily to become a better person and be better than I was yesterday, so why shouldn't I believe that others are working just as hard as I am to improve themselves. I wouldn't want someone to deny me a second chance to do better...to get it right...so why should I deny someone else that opportunity.

HHHMMMMM - well there is a difference between a second chance and then a third, fourth, fifth and so on and so on. And, change takes time and more importantly, it takes acknowledging that you have faults and that you have made mistakes and then seeking the help or solutions to repair the things...or people you messed up. And, it also takes work - you must be willing to put in the work.

So, with that said I guess the way you tell if it is worth giving it that good ole one more try is to look for signs of growth and change. Has that person put forth any effort to move towards change? And if you cant see that for sure, then are they at the very least acknowledging their shortcomings and do they have a plan for moving forward? If they haven't even put the wheels in motion, you need to run and run fast. And please, don't fall for the okey doke - don't let them tell you all the wonderful things they have done since you guys split. Look for it, test the waters and feel it out - you should be able to recognize change...the presence of it alone should be felt. If you cannot feel it or see it, then its the same old thing and no need of wasting your precious time on their intent or potential to change.

I guess the answer is people can change, but few do. So always be willing to allow for change, but don't waste too much time trying to find it. If it still walks like a duck, looks like a duck and quacks like duck...then its still the same old duck that you left or parted ways with for a reason. Therefore, let sleeping dogs lie and keep pressing forward!

ENTITLEMENT

My, my, my how a little education, a decent job, a nice outfit and some expensive shoes can make us feel like we are on top of the world and entitled to treat others any way we want. When did you get to be so big that you have the right to expect others to do for you, when you want, and how you want? When did you get so far up on top that others should give to you...just because of who you "think" you are?

Ladies, never, never forget who you really are and more importantly, that but for the grace of God you might not be who you are. Be confident, secure and strong in knowing who you are, but be careful not to cross that line into self-righteousness. My mother use to always say, "to me you are the world, but in this world you are one little bitty dot..." Don't ever forget that you too are a mere human and no one has to or must give to you or do anything for you. Don't ever get so big on yourself that you forget to be polite, respectful and considerate. Don't ever get so full of you and decide that you have the right to judge and ridicule others. Be proud of who you are and what you've grown to be, but always, always remain grateful...for remember, you did not get there alone - there were others that helped you and blessings that came from above to guide and strengthen you along the way.

Stay Humble!

Loving You

One day you will wake up and all of those insecurities you have always felt and had wont be gone, but they will be okay. You will really truly love you and like everything about you. You will come to understand that you do the best you can with what you have and that you are only human and will fall short time and time again. What makes it okay? What makes it not feel so bad anymore? It's age...wisdom...and acceptance. Its knowing in your heart and soul that you have a good conscious and meant well, that you meant no harm or hurt to anyone. Its knowing that its just life, it doesn't always work out the way we hope, it doesn't always go so smoothly. Its knowing that this is you, this is what you were given to work with, so just make the most of it.

So, accept you for who and what you are. Be and do your best every day and pray each night that tomorrow you will be a better person and make wiser choices and as for the rest.....let it go. Learn from your mistakes, do not judge other's mistakes and most importantly, learn to forgive - have a soft heart to others...as they are only human - just like you!

Do the right thing...

I attended a funeral this weekend and the closing song was "Well Done." In case you don't know the hymn, basically, it says - when its all said and done and this weary life comes to an end, all we want is for the man above to say "job well done!" So, its made me think a lot about where I am in my life, in my relationships, in my service and if I'm living to make sure that when my time comes, I can be certain that he is going to look my life over and say "well done."

So how do you get the ultimate seal of approval? I don't know...I am mere human and imperfect just like you and have made so many mistakes along the way by acting abruptly or making decisions based on my emotions and I am sure there will be many more to come. But, what I do know is if we just start by "doing the right thing", we are much more likely to be in a better position to hear those words of praise.

So, while we continue to strive for perfect and to live by his word - focus on always "doing the right thing." You be the bigger person, be the first to extend a helping hand, be the first to apologize for your errors, end the stand-off, stop the gossip, mend a broken friendship. Do whatever would be "the right thing to do." Its so easy to take the path of least resistance or just sit one out and choose to do nothing and not everyone is going to applaud you for doing what is right, but in the end they will respect you. If we live each day striving to do the right thing, I truly believe we will be blessed to be in his good graces. And when its said and done, his stamp of approval is the only one that we need.

Keep in mind that tomorrow is not promised to any of us. So don't wait, start today and "do the right thing" in times of need, in times of controversy, in times of fear and in times of good and when you reach those pearly gates you will be well rewarded with those three simple words "job well done" and oh how sweet it will be...

Its a Season of Change and Transition

With the weather changing and the flowers beginning to come up out of the ground and bloom its hard not to think about change...doing something new. I don't know what it is, but this seems to truly be a season of change and transition. Several people I know are changing jobs, moving, getting married, having babies...making big changes in their lives. Change is good ~

But, change is not easy. For some its scary, hard to take a step outside of what they are use to - a step outside their comfort zone. Don't let it frighten you. Don't ever sit back and not make a move because of fear or comfort, you will only regret it some years later.

So, embrace change, do what makes you happy. If it doesn't work out, you can always just "change again." Take a step out on faith -- inventory your life and make the changes you need to and those that you want to. Believe me, it will feel refreshing and new!

Pace Yourself~~~~~

We spend our day putting out fires. Gotta do this, gotta get that done...trying to multi-task and shove in as much as we can into one day. Whose to say this is the way it has to be all of the time? I know there will be days when we have to take life by the horns and do it this way, but have you ever thought about just pacing yourself. Don't worry it will get done, may just not be when they want it to get done or when you think it needs to get done, but we're all going to get to the finish line.

Basically, life is one long marathon and its easy for us who are used to doing so much and having so much to do to start out the gate with full steam. But what we don't think about and realize is that coming out the gate in this fashion is likely to burn us out very early in the race. So, we need to make our approach to life just like we would a marathon - run for distance, not for speed.

In other words, just relax some and pace yourself... I know there will be times when we have to kick it into high gear and when those times come shift the gear stick and go for it, but for all of those other times when its really not a race~~~~~just pace yourself. In the end it will all get done and be just fine.

Are We Really That Over the Top?

So, we will all pack in to see "Why Did I Get Married Too" this weekend and hopefully you will laugh and get tearful at the highly emotional scenes just as I did. However, when it was all said and done, I had just one question - are we really that over the top? Are black women really that emotional? YES - YES and YES. But why??????

Yeah I know its just a movie and yes, I know Angela is a very dramatic version, but when you get right down to it, we are very emotional, expressive beings. Its like that song "Real Woman" we can go on and on until we prove our point and we are so quick to pull the coat of anyone who dares to try and wrong us or "disrespect us." What is it? Are we taught this? Is it innate? I don't know, but I do know I'm guilty of it too.

Whoever it was that first said..."black women don't take no ----" wasn't kidding. We are REAL. We are straight up. But its all good, its what makes us who and what we are...."REAL WOMEN"

Go in peace my black women~~

~Do Something Outside Your Box~

We spend so much time following our routine and doing the daily chores, that sometimes we forget that there is a whole big world out there, outside of the norm, other than the usual. So take some time this week and do something outside your box. Do something that you normally wouldn't even consider doing. Let your hair down, relax a little, have a glass a wine or hit the dance floor. Do that little something you've seen others do and wished you were bold enough to do. Ask that guy you've been eyeing out to dinner, send yourself some flowers or go treat yourself to a movie without any company. Scared to go that big, then just wear something that you normally wouldn't, put on a nice new bright color of lipstick, buy a pair of sexy underwear and wear them to work one day. Whatever it is, just do something outside of the boring and usual routine and watch and see how much liberation it brings you. Try a little taste of life outside your comfort box.

Is it Okay to Seek Help?

Yes, I know we are all superwomen....but, are we really? Doesn't everyone need help sometimes? Isn't it okay to need a little help? Must we always act like we have it all together and can do it all????

I watch some of the women that I work with whom are of different races and varying backgrounds and they don't do it all. They have nannies, they have therapist, nutritionist and even utilize pharmaceuticals to assist their coping skills (whether right or wrong). So why are we (black women) so hesitant to seek help? Why won't we allow people to help us? Why won't we seek help to assist us with coping with the stress and troubles of everyday life?

Well for one, we are raised to believe that we can and must do it all. For two, we can't always afford to buy "the help" we need and lastly, it just isn't part of our cultural ways to seek help...So where does this leave us? All stressed out, overwhelmed and consumed with trying to take on and handle everything...

It's okay to need some help. And, it's okay to seek help. In fact, being big enough to say you need some help really just makes you even more of a woman than you already are. So don't just continue to try to handle and deal with everything - get some help. Whatever that means for you. Delegate, ask someone to help you, get a therapist, talk to a friend, take a breather when needed, do and seek whatever kind of help you need to help you.

If you are anything like me, you take care of your household, your kids, your business, your family and friends. If you're not healthy it will only have a trickle down effect on all of these aspects of your life. So, do them and yourself a favor - help you to help them. After all, no one, but you, is expecting you to keep up that superwomen image. Stop being so hard on yourself...underneath your only human...your only a woman. :)

Just Say "NO"

Well, after such a lousy day Tuesday and one that wasn't much better yesterday, I approached today with a new attitude. "Just say NO!" To no surprise, I am just like all you other superwomen out there, I try to do and take on much too much. And you know whats funny (well not literally funny)? The more you take on, the more people ask you to do. Do they really think you want to do it? They cant possibly think its because you have nothing else to do...cause you have the 50 other things they have already asked you to do. But, forget about them, the question is - why is it so hard for us to just say "NO."

I don't know about you, but when I say no, I then go through the guilt thing or I always say no, with a "but I will try"...or "if I can get done with this, then..." I want to be able to say no kindly and leave it at just that, then walk away with a smile on my face feeling good because I protected my best interest instead of granting everyone else's. Do you feel me?

So, with this new challenge being on the forefront of my mind, I took on yesterday and today with a new attitude...any boy it feels good! WOW, didn't know you could get such joy out of turning people down (LOL). No, the joy comes from not overburdening yourself with someone else's work, troubles, assignments, issues or problems, or whatever it may be. It feels good to sort of stand up for yourself and be okay with saying no to something you may not really want to do or feel like doing. And you know what - its okay to say no. We know your superwoman, but you don't have to take it all on, all of the time.

With that said, I challenge all of you out there to take on the "just say NO" attitude and if you really don't want to do it or really just don't feel like doing it this time, then exercise your God giving right to "just say NO."

Struggling Today

Hey Ladies,

I think the title says just how I feel today. Everything that possibly can, has stressed me today. Not sure I can muster much positive speaking today and at first I wasn't going to write on this blog. However, the more I thought about it, the more I realized isn't this what its really all about. Does everyday have to be up and bubbly? Is life that way? No, I am a real woman, with real issues and real problems and I have my good days and my bad days. So, in my effort to not pretend in front of all of you out there, I figured I would go ahead and write and let you all know - Today's a bad day (LOL).

But, today I'll suffer through it and tomorrow Ill get back up put that superwoman suit on and go back out there and fight the world. But until then, I'm going to put my feet up, get a glass of wine and try to release the stress from the day. If there are any words of support or wisdom out there, I could use them today.

Bringing Sexy Back

So, my girlfriend getting the divorce (who will probably be done with telling me things after she sees all of her business on here for all to know) wants to know how, after almost 10 years of marriage, does she get her sexy back. We all know that as women we can quickly loose our selves in taking care of our men and children and its easy to get real comfortable with everyday life. She feels that she is "not sexy anymore." Now, most of this is just coming from the emotions associated with the divorce, but it is easy for us to loose our sexiness. Well, I don't think we ever loose it, but its easy for us to loose the "feeling of sexiness."

So, what is sexy? Like beauty, I believe it is in the eye of the beholder. To be sexy, you have got to feel sexy and believe you are sexy. I truly don't believe that men have an exact definition of sexy. Now I agree, they like certain areas of our bodies and those are probably what they think of when you ask them about sexy, but I truly believe that any woman can be sexy and a man will see them as sexy if made to believe same.

How does a woman become or feel sexy? First, you have got to feel good about yourself. Once you are totally comfortable with you, or can totally pretend you are comfortable with you, the way you walk and talk will give off a certain confidence that is sexy. Next, you have got to dress sexy. No, not sleazy, just sexy (LOL). Now, what that means totally depends on you. It should be something that you are comfortable in or again, can pretend you are comfortable in and something that highlights your positives (can be clothing, a pair of heels or just some hot red lipstick). Finally, a little flirting is always good for the sole and never hurt anyone. If you can pull all of this off in one setting, you will be sexy and more importantly you will feel sexy.

What do you think? How does she get her sexy back?

Peace of Mind is Priceless

A wise woman once told me, well actually she has told me several times, that "peace of mind is priceless." A girlfriend of mine is going through a divorce. Because she is the main bread winner in the family, she stands to be on the loosing end (financially) when the divorce is said and done should her husband choose to fight her for it, and it appears that he is going to do just that. So, she asks "should I stay to keep the money I earned and the things that were bought with my money or do I let it all go to be happy?"

15 years ago my answer would have been FIGHT. Fight till the end with all your might, don't give him anything and don't let him take anything. If that means staying with him technically, but not wholeheartedly - then whatever it takes.

However, now that I am a little older and hopefully, a little more wiser my answer is quite different. I say, let it go. "Peace of mind is priceless." We spend our lives working to get material things and to acquire the finer things in life. Money and things come and go. But, at the end of the day when its all said and done, none of it means anything if your not happy and don't have peace.

So I ask all of you women out there, do you have peace of mind? If not, maybe its time to clear the clutter, re-prioritize your life and get rid of some stuff or someone. You deserve to be happy...whatever that means to and for you and if that means letting go, then let go.

Wishing that you all find peace ~

What color is love?

Went to see the movie "Our Family Wedding" today. As you may know, its about an African-American man and Mexican woman getting married and their families are all torn up about the race/ethnic thing. Movie wasn't that good, but as usual it got me to thinking about my "singlehood" and my new quest to broaden my horizons.

I recently adopted the idea that I would not only limit myself to my race/color (which happens to be black/African-American) for dates, relationships, etc. Now, I cant honestly say that I have become totally comfortable with the idea, but I have adopted it and trust me...this is a big step for me.

So what does this mean? Will I automatically be/can I really be attracted to men of other races? On the big screen, I can name several that I wouldn't hesitate if the opportunity ever arose to date them, but can't really say that I have ever been attracted to anything other than "black men." Why??? I don't know...they have only led me to a lot of crying and heart break (talk for another day), but can't really say that I have ever been out and seen a guy of a different race across the room and had that tingly feeling run down my spine.

Why is that? Does love really have a color for each individual? Why am I struggling with this? Why isn't it just coming naturally? I don't have anything against any other race, nor do I have any problems with interracial dating. I just have never been attracted to any other kind? Is this normal or am I just that shallow???

What color is love?

What's this all about?

So today I got this crazy idea to create this blog. Not sure what will become of it or where it will go, but I am going to give it a shot. I guess I got to thinking that no matter how spectacular we all are in our own little way - deep down inside we are all just women. We love to talk, analyze and share. We are thinkers, we are planners and yes, we are emotional. So when your husband is too tied up with sports to listen, your man has heard all he can stand and your girls are all too busy to give you the time, put your feet up, get out your laptop and let's talk.

Although there will always be a daily question and thought posted, please feel free to share your thoughts, change the topic or ask for a piece of advice from all us women out here listening to you. This will be the place you can be "just you" and openly show and share the soft, sensitive and emotional side. No need to wear the superwoman suit in this world - its just us girls! (...and its all anonymous, if you choose)

Looking forward to getting to know you all!